Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Don't Cry Over Broken Beads

For most of my life I have felt like I've had no control over my own life.

Free will is a joke.  We are a system, and in order to survive in it you must follow its orders.  From the second we are pushed screaming and red faced out of the womb, we loose any control we might have had.

Our parents tell us what to do.  Our teachers tell us what to do.  Our bosses tell us what to do.

The only way to assume any kind of control over your life is to end it.

Sometimes I wrote the word Control on my wrist with black sharpie.  It was a habit for a while.

I'm not sure why.  I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a reminder that I have no control over my own life, or to urge me to take control in whatever small way I can.

But that would often smear and run as I washed my hands during the day.  Black ink melting its way into all the thousands of tiny cracks in my skin.  Webbing away into nothing.

Later I made a bracelet.  It was yellow and red glass sead beads, with the word Control in kids plastic alphabet beads on it.

As my life seems to be spiraling out of control more than ever, I've been wearing that bracelet more than ever.

So this morning, in the car, my bracelt snapped.  Tiny little seed beads and letter beads went everywhere.

Didn't find them all.  Will never find them all.

My life is out of control.
My Control bracelet shattered into a million tiny pieces. 

How's that for an omen.

4 comments:

  1. I think it's time for a new word. Perhaps persevere?

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  2. First of all, I can identify with the feeling of out of control and I hate it. I think I want to suggest that your control does not need to be on the outside of your wrist but inside your head. Hang in there. There has to be a better place for you.

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  3. I have been exactly where your at! Feeling like my life was spinning way out of control and I had absolutely no control over anything! I still feel that way at times! It sucks I know but at some point it does get at least a little better. You will begin to feel like you have at least a little bit of control! 💟

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have been exactly where your at! Feeling like my life was spinning way out of control and I had absolutely no control over anything! I still feel that way at times! It sucks I know but at some point it does get at least a little better. You will begin to feel like you have at least a little bit of control! 💟

    ReplyDelete

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