Saturday, June 6, 2015

What Screws Us Up Most In Life

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be.
Once upon a time I had a can cozie that said, "This is not the life I ordered."

That phrase pops into my head a lot.  Most often it happens at work, like today when I was in the stall in the act of urination and having a customer asking me a bunch of questions.  (Yes, WHILE I was peeing.)

Other times will be a night like tonight.  I've worked a long day, my body is sore, my mind is overwhelmed, my bank account is not as full as I would like it to be.

In my teens I had a daydream of what my life would be like.  It invovled a yellow convertible, a well trained German Shepherd dog, a house by a lake in the woods, and being married to my perceived soul-mate (the first man/boy I was ever REALLY in love with.)

That man is married to someone else, and that car, that dog, that home must belong to someone else because they sure don't belong to me.

In reality I live in the middle of the city, with a hard-headed labrador and neighbors who occasionally shoot each other.  (Not kidding.  I wish I was kidding but I'm really, really not.)

"This is NOT the life I ordered."

Sometimes, late late LATE at night when I can't sleep I compare every way that my life now is NOT like the life I wanted when I was younger.  Some people look back on their lives and think, "I woudln't change a thing."

I look back at mine and decide I would change everything.  Every.  Single.  Thing.

Except for my kids.  When I daydreamed my perfect life it was at a time that I never wanted children.  And I do love my boys very, very much.

But the rest of it...

"This is NOT the life I ordered."

In my daydream I was a writer.  In reality I don't have TIME to write.  I don't doubt that I have the talent for it, but I don't have the time, or energy at the end of my real life day.  No great best sellers will come through these fingers.  The best I can manage is a half-coherent blog post.

In real life I work retail.  I could rant elequent for the rest of this blog entry on what degree of heck that is, but nobody cares.  (You know, because its retail not a "real" job.  It doesn't count...despite the fact that its the only work I can find for my entire working life so far....)

Now I know this comparison of what I have to what never even existed isn't fair.  I know that I need to look at the good in my life, but in the small hours of the night when your body hurts and you feel like Sisyphus because no mater how hard you work you never seem to ACCOMPLISH anything that is very hard to hang on to.

There is a sane part of my brain, somewhere small and in the back, that tells me I'm never going to be satisfied with my life as it is until I can let got of the life I always dreamed for myself but...

"This is not the life I ordered."

Linked with the Quotography Link Up.  Check it out for more photo/quote combinations.

2 comments:

  1. My life is not what I ordered either. I learned to roll with the punches and grow as a person with the changes. Thinking positive really helps.

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  2. I fear I must agree with every word you have said here, as it applies to me -- This is certainly not the life I dreamed of nor ordered! I understand those wee hour thoughts of yours all too well. And yes, I know we're supposed to raise our chins up with our spirits, and think positive and with gratitude, ha! Sometimes easier said than done. Allow yourself the wee hour moments. I have found that sometimes that's all that keeps me doin' what I gotta do come morning.

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